Student a profesor

Jeden student si chcel v univerzitnej jedalni sadnut na volne miesto vedla profesora, ale ten mu na to odvrkol:

"Labut nemoze byt priatelom svini"
"No dobre, tak ja teda odletim" odpovedal student.

Profesora odpoved urazila natolko, ze sa rozhodol studenta potopit na skuske a tak mu dal najtazsie otazky. Avsak student na kazdu jednu otazku v teste odpovedal vyborne, a tak profesor, s tuzbou studenta potopit, mu polozil poslednu rozhodujucu otazku:

"Ides po ceste a najdes dve vrecia, jedno plne zlata, v druhom rozum. Ktore si vyberies?"
"Vrece so zlatom predsa", odpovie zacudovane student.
"Ha, no ja by som bral druhe vrece", potesene reaguje profesor.
"No vidite pan profesor, kazdy si vyberie to, co mu chyba" chytro odpovie student.

Profesor od zurivosti schyti studentov test a vpise: "somar".
Student bez toho, aby sa pozrel do testu co mu tam profesor napisal sa podakuje a odide.

O chvilu sa vsak vrati s testom v ruke a hovori profesorovi:
"Nehnevajte sa pan profesor, podpisali ste sa mi, ale znamku ste mi nenapisali."

Baca a konzultant

Pasie baca, pasie ovce na zelenej luke. A zrazu po ceste prichadza BMW a za nim oblak prachu. Za volantom mlady muz v obleku od Broniho, v topankach od Gucciho, kravata D+G a na ociach tmave okuliare Ray Ban.

Stlacenim tlacitka stiahne okno a hovori: "Hej baca,
ked ti poviem, kolko mas vo svojom stade ovci, das mi jednu?"
Baca sa pomaly pozrie na uspesneho mladeho muza a pokojne povie: "Ale hej, preco nie?"
Uspesny mlady muz zaparkuje svoje BMW, vytiahne notebook Dell, pripoji ho
k svojmu mobilu znacky Nokia. Pomocou GPS urci svoju polohu.
Potom sa pripoji na satelit NASA, kde zada svoje suradnice a vyziada si
zaobstaranie suboru
fotografii s vysokym rozlisenim. Potom pomocov Adobe Photoshop
otvori zaubstarane digitalne obrazky a exportuje ich do spracovatelskeho
strediska svojej firmy. Behom par sekund dostane na svoje PDA iPAQ znacky HP
spravu, ze obrazky su spracovane a ulozene v databaze SQL. Prepoji
databazu Excelom, kde ma stovky zlozitych vzorcov a uploaduje vsetky
data do miniaturnej farebnej tlaciarne HP LaserJet ako
stopatdesiatstranovu spravu a otoci sa k bacovi:
"Mas presne 128 ovci"
"To je pravda" odpovie baca. "Takze podla nasej dohody si
mozete vziat jednu ovcu."

Baca pozoruje s pobavenim mladeho muza, ako sa snazi napasovat
jedno zviera do kufra auta a hovori: "Ked vam poviem, ake je vase povolanie,
vratite mi, co ste si zobral?"
Mlady muz sa na sekundu zamysli a odpovie: "Samozrejme."
"Ste konzultant," povie baca.
Mlademu muzovi padne sanka: "To je pravda. Ako ste to uhadol?"
"Vobec som nemusel hadat," hovori baca. "Prisli ste bez toho,
aby vas niekto volal, Chcel ste si nechat zaplatit za odpoved, ktoru som uz davno
poznal,
na otazku, na ktoru sa vas nikto nepytal a pritom o mojej
praci viete velke gulove."
"A teraz mi vratte mojho psa..." pokracuje baca.

Of Marriage...

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other woman replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man"

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in the U.S.A. The rest cheat in Canada.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young son: Is it true Dad that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

There was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a baldhead and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.