Zať vyhadzuje svokru z balkóna

Zať vyhadzuje svokru z balkóna:
Leť Ty striga!!! Iný by ťa zabil, ale ja ťa púšťam na slobodu !!!

Bester Verkäufer

Ein junger Mann zieht in die Stadt und geht zu einem großen Kaufhaus, um sich dort nach einem Job umzusehen.

Manager: "Haben Sie irgendwelche Erfahrungen als Verkäufer?"

Junger Mann: "Klar, da wo ich herkomme war ich der beste Verkäufer!" Der Manager findet den jungen Mann sympathisch und stellt Ihn ein.

Der erste Arbeitstag ist hart, aber er meistert ihn. Nach Ladenschluss kommt der Manager zu ihm. "Wie vielen Kunden haben Sie heute etwas verkauft?"

Junger Mann: "Einem."

Manager: "Nur einem? Unsere Verkäufer machen im Schnitt 20 bis 30 Verkäufe pro Tag! Wie hoch war denn die Verkaufssumme?"
Junger Mann: "101.237 Euro und 64 Cent."

Manager: "101.237 Euro und 64 Cent?? Was haben Sie denn verkauft?"

Junger Mann: "Zuerst habe ich dem Mann einen kleinen Angelhaken verkauft, dann habe ich ihm einen mittleren Angelhaken verkauft. Dann verkaufte ich ihm einen noch größeren Angelhaken und Schließlich verkaufte ich ihm eine neue Angelrute. Dann fragte ich ihn, wo er denn angeln gehen wollte, und er sagte "Runter an die Küste".
Also sagte ich ihm, er würde ein Boot brauchen.

Wir gingen also in die Bootsabteilung, und ich verkaufte ihm diese doppelmotorige Chris Craft. Er bezweifelte, dass sein Honda Civic dieses Boot würde ziehen können, also ging ich mit ihm rüber in die Automobilabteilung und verkaufte ihm diesen Pajero mit Allradantrieb."

Manager: "Sie wollen damit sagen, ein Mann kam zu ihnen, um einen Angelhaken zu kaufen, und Sie haben ihm ein Boot und einen Geländewagen verkauft ?!?!"

Junger Mann: "Nein, nein... Er kam her und wollte eine Packung Tampons für seine Frau kaufen, also sagte ich zu ihm: "Nun, wo Ihr Wochenende ja sowieso schon im Arsch ist, könnten Sie doch eigentlich auch Angeln gehen ......"

Aforizmy

Moju manželku som si zobral, pretože protiklady sa priťahujú. Ona bola
tehotná a ja nie...

Na Valentína som zažil nezabudnuteľný erotický večer! Ona bola v
priesvitných nohavičkách, hore bez, na nádhernej širokej posteli... A
ja som bol v teplákoch a papučiach...,s ďalekohľadom v dome oproti...

Skutočná depresia je stav, keď sa už aj pri skupinovom sexe stále cítiš
akosi osamelý...

Aj tak mi je milovanie vzácnejšie než Vianoce... Však Vianoce sú tu každú
chvíľu...

Žena ma už dlhšiu dobu podvádza a veľmi ma to trápi...Stále mi totiž
nerastú parohy! Bože,čo ak mám málo vápnika...?!

Keby ľudia neboli tak závistliví, zlí a lakomí, tak by jedna ženská stačila pre celú dedinu...

Každý muž potrebuje k životu triženy: matku, manželku a aspoň jednu, ktorá ho považuje za muža...

Pravý muž sa nemusí hanbiť za svoje slzy... No sopeľ by mu pritom zrovna visieť nemal...

Vždy, keď ma oserie holub, ďakujem Bohu, že nedal krídla aj krave...

Rokmi muž získava jednu takmer mysterióznu schopnosť - dokáže ukojiť svoj sexuálny hlad obyčajným jedlom...

Ak ide láska naozaj cez žalúdok, takkde teda potom končí...?

Potreboval by som znížiť svoju potenciu! Sexu mám stále plnú hlavu, no chcel by som to posunúť nižšie...

Je to veľmi nespravodlivé, že jedlo zostáva niekoľko sekúnd v ústach, niekoľko hodín v žalúdku a niekoľko mesiacov na bokoch...

Na staré kolená sa začínam podobať na dvere - keď som namazaný, tak si nevrznem...

Do čerta aj s týmto stredným vekom! Dôchodok mi nedajú, pretože som príliš mladý a ženy mi nedajú, pretože som príliš starý...

Keď ti bude v živote smutno a nič sa ti nebude dariť, spomeň si na to, že si bol kedysi tou najrýchlejšou a víťaznou spermiou...

Prechod na letný čas mi fakt spôsobuje problémy... Predtým sa mi ráno postavil doma, teraz až v autobuse...

Peniaze prichádzajú a odchádzajú..., a odchádzajú..., a odchádzajú..., a odchádzajú...

Vždy, keď som vstúpil do tajomných dverí s nápisom "Ženy", našiel som tam iba WC...

Kedysi, keď ma manželka pohladila po vlasoch, postavil sa mi vták. Dnes, keď mi pohladí vtáka, postavia sa mi vlasy...

Dictionaries

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish................................49.
Adventurous...................Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking....................Moooo.
Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure................On medication.
Feminist................................Fat.
Free spirit............................Junkie.
Friendship first......................Former slut.
New-Age............................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.
Open-minded.......................Desperate.
Outgoing.........................Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional..........................Bitch.
Voluptuous......................Very Fat.
Large frame...........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate..................Stalker.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit. = I'm gay.

Bush and the Queen

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides along the 300
foot red carpet to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are
driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change
to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They
continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering
Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth
shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire . The smell is atrocious
and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their
noses. The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of State do their
best to ignore the incident. The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr.
President please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are
some things that even a Queen cannot control."
George Bush, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty,do
not give the matter another thought...Until you mentioned it, I thought it
was one of the horses."

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No I'm your son's math teacher."

Few good lessons

CORPORATE LESSON #1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is

finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800

just to drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands

over $800 and quietly leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the

woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Share critical credit infrmation with your stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure!



CORPORATE LESSON # 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side

of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely

leg.

The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.

He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide

up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but

the mind is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a

meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.

It Said,"Go forth and seek; further up, you will find

glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Always be well informed in your job; or, you might

miss great Opportunities!



CORPORATE LESSON # 3

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an

American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him

out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4

swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout What you want the pool of water to become, then

your wish will come true."

The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool,

jumped and shouted WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.

Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and

shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool.

The last is the American. He was running towards the

pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SHIT !!!!!!!........."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Mind your language, you never Know what it will land you in.



CORPORATE LESSON # 4

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and

important document and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly, Sir" said the young executive. He turned

the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine."I just need one copy."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

RECEPT AKO UROBIT ZENU STASTNOU

RECEPT AKO UROBIT ZENU STASTNOU

Aby si urobil zenu stastnou staci byt:

1) Priatelom
2) Druhom
3) Milencom
4) Bratom
5) Otcom
6) Ucitelom
7) Vychovavatelom
8) Kucharom
9) Elektrikarom
10) Vodoinstalaterom
11) Mechanikom
12) Izbovym dizajnerom 13) Stylistom
14) Sexuologom
15) Gynekologom
17) Endokrinologom
16) Psychologom
18) Psychiatrom
19) Terapeutom
20) Vykonny
21) Organizovany
22) Dobry otec
23) Velmi cistotny
24) Sympaticky
25) Atleticky
26) Citlivy
27) Pozorny
28) Gavaliersky
29) Inteligentny
30) S fantaziou
31) Kreativny
32) Sladky
33) Silny
34) Chapavy
35) Tolerantny
36) Starostlivy
37) Ambiciozny
38) Schopny
39) Odvazny
40) Rozhodny
41) Doveryhodny
42) Vdacny
43) Naruzivy
44) Davajuci komplimenty
45) Ktory ma rad nakupy
46) Ktory nikdy nerobi problemy
47) Velmi bohaty
48) Nebyt pritazou
49) Ktory nepozera za inymi

Súcasne treba davat pozor na:

50) Nebyt žiarlivy (ale ani bez zaujmu)
51) Rozumiet si s jej rodinou
52) Dat jej priestor (ale mat starost o to, kam ide)

Okrem toho je velmi dolezite:

53) Nezabudnut datum: Vyrocia (svatby,zasnubenia,prveho
stretnutia...),ukoncenia skoly, menin, menstruacie.

Bohuzial, aj ked dodrzite perfektne tieto instrukcie, nemusite dosiahnut
100% jej stastia,pretoze ona sa moze citit pod tlakom prilis perfekneho
zivota a utiect s prvym alkoholikom, zlodejom, uchylom ktoreho stretne...
Kvoli tomuto asi Boh povedal: Miluj ju! Ale nepovedal nikdy Cháp ju!!!!