Dictionaries

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish................................49.
Adventurous...................Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking....................Moooo.
Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure................On medication.
Feminist................................Fat.
Free spirit............................Junkie.
Friendship first......................Former slut.
New-Age............................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.
Open-minded.......................Desperate.
Outgoing.........................Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional..........................Bitch.
Voluptuous......................Very Fat.
Large frame...........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate..................Stalker.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit. = I'm gay.

Bush and the Queen

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides along the 300
foot red carpet to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are
driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change
to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They
continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering
Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth
shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire . The smell is atrocious
and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their
noses. The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of State do their
best to ignore the incident. The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr.
President please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are
some things that even a Queen cannot control."
George Bush, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty,do
not give the matter another thought...Until you mentioned it, I thought it
was one of the horses."

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No I'm your son's math teacher."