Slip of Tongue

SLIP OF TONGUE

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's
left-handed. "

WIFE: - - -silence - -
HUSBAND: "oh shit"

What starts with F and ends with K?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd
grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade
too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would
give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to
go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed
to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to
the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The
principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and
a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot
of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Fire truck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in
the FIFTH-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong... !!!"

Extra Marital affairs

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"


The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"


The 3th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."


The 4th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."


The 5th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

Advantage of being an Arab

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years.
One day, he decided that he would love to plant potatoes and herbs in his
garden,
but he knew he was alone and too old and weak.
His son was in college in Paris, so the old man sent him an e-mail
explaining the problem:
"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden.
I am sure, if only you were here, that you would help me and dig up the
garden for me.
I love you, your father."
The following day, the old man received a response e-mail from his son:
"Beloved father, please don't touch the garden. That is where I have hidden
'the THING.'
I love you, too, Ahmed."
At 4pm the FBI and the Rangers visited the house of the old man and took the
whole garden apart,
searching every inch. But they couldn't find anything.
Disappointed, they left the house.
The next day, the old man received another e-mail from his son:
"Beloved father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your
potatoes.
That is all I could do for you from here. Your loving son, Ahmed".

Manazerska poucka (sekretarka a drobne)

Johnny si chtel uzit se sekretarkou ve sve kancelari, ale ona mela pritele.
Jednoho dne se Johnny citil tak bidne, ze se pred ni postavil a rekl: "Dam
Vam 1000 dolaru kdyz mi doprejete chvilku poteseni".
Ale ona odpovedela "V ZADNEM PRIPADE !!"
Johnny rekl: "Budu rychly. Hodim Vam penize na zem, Vy se ohnete a nez je
stacite zvednout tak budu hotov"
Divka se na okamzik zamyslela a nakonec rekla, ze by se chtela poradit se
svym pritelem.
Tak vecer vse vypravela svamu priteli a on ji rekl: "Rekni si o 2000 dolaru
a zvedni ty penize tak rychle, aby nebyl schopen si stahnout kalhoty.
Divka tedy souhlasila s navrhem.
Pres pul hodiny cekal pritel na telefon od sve mile. Nakonec po 45-ti
minutach zavolal on a zeptal se : "Co se kruci deje ??"
.. Dívka odpovedela: "SAKRA !! ... POUZIL DROBNE MINCE"

MANAZERSKA POUCKA:
Vzdy zvazte vsechny mozne aspekty obchodniho navrhu pred tim nez s nim
budete souhlasit.

Fazy zivota cloveka (co odobral boh inym zvieratam)

První den Bůh stvořil krávu a řekl: "Musíš jít na pole a po celý den
budeš v úmorném vedru pracovat, mít mladé a dávat mléko člověku.
Dám ti na to 60 let života."

Kráva odpověděla: "Takový tvrdý život je moc dlouhý. Nech mě žít jen
dvacet let; zbývajících čtyřicet ti vrátím."

A Bůh souhlasil. Druhý den Bůh stvořil psa a řekl: "Budeš celý den sedět
u dveří domu tvého pána a štěkat na každého, kdo půjde kolem.
Dám ti na to 20 let života."

Pes odvětil: "Štěkat na každého dvacet let je moc těžký úděl. Dej mi jen
deset let a těch zbývajících deset ti vrátím."

A Bůh souhlasil. Třetí den Bůh stvořil opici a řekl: "Bav člověka, dělej
hloupé věci a donuť lidi se smát. Máš na to 20 let života."

Opice byla proti: "Dvacet let mám ze sebe dělat blázna? Ani náhodou. Pes
ti vrátil deset let, já ti je vrátím také."

A Bůh souhlasil. Čtvrtého dne Bůh stvořil člověka a řekl: "Spi, jez,
hraj si,miluj se a užívej si života. Nedělej nic, jen se bav.
Dám ti na to 20 let života."

Člověk vykřikl: "Cože, jen dvacet let? Ne, ne, to nejde. Podívej, Bože,
uděláme to takhle. Kráva Ti vrátila čtyřicet let, pes deset a opice taky
deset. S mými dvaceti to dělá osmdesát let. Souhlasíš?"

A Bůh souhlasil.

Od té doby člověk prvních dvacet let spí, jí, hraje si, miluje se, užívá
si života a o nic se nestará. Dalších čtyřicet let dře jako vůl, aby
uživil svoji rodinu. Pak deset let ze sebe dělá šaška pro pobavení svých
vnoučat a posledních deset let je to starý mrzout, který štěká po všech
lidech okolo.

Politika

Príde za otcom päťročný synáčik a pýta sa, čo je to politika.
"Ako by som ti to vysvetlil", rozmýšľa otec.
"Pozri sa, to je ako u nás doma:
Ja som kapitalizmus. Ja zarábam peniaze a nosím ich domov.
Mama, to je vláda.
Tá mi peniaze zoberie, niečo si nechá a zbytok prerozdelí podľa svojho
uváženia.
Naša slúžka, to je robotnícka trieda. Tá pracuje a my ju za to platíme.
Dedko, to sú odbory, ten dáva pozor, aby robotnícka trieda nebola
vykorisťovaná.
Ty sám si ľud. Pre tebe to všetko všetci robíme.
A tvoj malý ročný braček, tak to je naša spoločná budúcnosť.
Rozumieš tomu?
Chlapček sa dlho zamyslí a potom povie:
"Zatiaľ ešte neviem, nechám si to prejsť cez noc hlavou".
V noci sa prebudí kvôli zápachu, pretože jeho malý braček sa pokakal.
Zojde teda do izby rodičov. Tam spí iba mamička a nedá sa zobudiť.
Chlapec ide teda do izby slúžky. A tam vidí otca, ako si so slúžkou
práve pekne užíva. Ani jeden si malej postavičky nevšimne. Chlapček sa
smutne otočí a za rohom uvidí dedka, ako so záujmom pozoruje oknom
ocka so slúžkou. Ani dedko si ho nevšimne. Chlapček sa rozplače a ide
si ľahnúť.
Ráno sa ho oco pýta: "Tak už vieš, čo je to ta politika?"
A chlapec smutne odpovie:
"Už to viem, ale je to trochu inak, ako si mi to hovoril včera".
"A ako, prosím ťa?"
"No, kapitalizmus zneužíva robotnícku triedu. Odbory sa tomu nečinne
prizerajú, zatiaľ čo vláda tvrdo spí. Ľud je všetkými ignorovaný a
naša spoločná budúcnosť leží v sračkách".

Skuska logiky

> Student prepada na skuske z logiky. Zufaly sa pyta profesora:
> - Vy to skusate a rozumiete tomu vobec ???
>
> - Samozrejme, inak by som to nemohol prednasat a skusat !
>
> - Dobre, dam vam jednu otazku. Ak na nu nebudete vediet
> odpovedat, date mi skusku za 1, ak ju zodpoviete, vyhodite ma.
>
> - Prosim, pytajte sa! - odpoveda sebavedomo profesor.
>
> - Co je sucasne legalne ale nelogicke, logicke ale nelegalne,
> a co nie je ani logicke ani legalne?
>
> Profesor odpovedat nevie, da teda studentovi skusku za 1, ale
> hned nato vola svojmu najlepsiemu studentovi a pyta sa ho na
> odpoved.Ten mu okamzite odpoveda:
>
> Mate 65 rokov a ste zenaty s 35-rocnou zenou, co je legalne,
> ale nelogicke.
>
> Vasa zena ma 25-rocneho milenca, co je logicke, ale nelegalne.
> Vy date milencovi svojej zeny skusku za 1, hoci by mal vyletiet, a to
> nie je ani logicke ani legalne...

pull the plug

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room.

He said to her, "Just so you know ... I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug ..."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer ....

Stupne zimy

+18°C obyvatelia Havaja si berú na noc dve prikrývky

+10°C obyvatelia helsinských panelákov vypínajú kúrenie a Rusi začínajú pestovať kvety

+ 2°C talianske autá neštartujú

0°C destilovaná voda zamŕza

-1°C dych sa stáva viditeľným. Rusi jedia zmrzlinu a popíjajú chladené pivo

-4°C pes sa ti snaží dostať do postele

-8°C bezdomovci vliezajú do kartónových krabíc

-10°C francúzske autá neštartujú

-12°C politici začínajú hovoriť o bezdomovcoch

-15°C americké autá neštartujú

-18°C helsinskí nájomníci zapínajú kúrenie. Obyvatelia Havaja zamrzli.

-20°C dych sa stáva počuteľným

-21°C ak dostaneš psa na sranie von, musíš to potom odkopnúť

-22°C bezdomovci si berú na noc dve krabice

-24°C nemecké autá neštartujú

-27°C pes skúša vliezť ti pod pyžamo

-29°C švédske autá neštartujú

-32°C bezdomovci zamrzli a sú stohovaní v krabiciach za mestom

-33°C žiadne auto neštartuje, len ruské

-38°C Rusi si zapínajú vrchný gombík na košeliach

-43°C ruské autá neštartujú až ani na vodku

-50°C obyvatelia Helsínk zamrzli

-60°C tulene opúšťajú Grónsko a sťahujú sa na juh

-70°C zamrzlo peklo. Univerzita v Kuznecku organizuje cezpoľný beh na zahriatie

-75°C Santa Klaus opúšťa polárny kruh

-120°C alkohol zamrzol, Rusi sú nasratí

-268°C hélium zkvapalnelo

-273°C absolútna nula. Ustáva pohyb elementárnych častíc. Rus, žužlajúc zmrznutú vodku, pripúšťa, že je poriadna kosa.